Doubt

Jeanne d'Arc otherwise known as Joan of Arc. Her story is an interesting one - a peasant teenage girl who, having claimed divine inspiration and visions from God, led French forces to key victories during the Hundred Year's War which indirectly led to long awaited coronation of King Charles VII. Captured by the English she was tried for witchcraft and burned at the stake for heresy. Years later she was found innocent and later canonized as a saint.

I was flipping through TV channels when I came across The Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc. I remembered seeing it before when it had first came out on video and thought it had cleverly portrayed her story - you could why she was considered a saint and yet at the same time, a lunatic.

However, I don't consider Jeanne to be the most dynamic character of the movie.

As Jeanne is imprisoned in England and awaiting interrogation, a hooded figure (played by Dustin Hoffman) starts appearing to her, questioning her visions and motives that she claims are from God.

When I first saw this movie I remember identifying his character as the devil, toying with Jeanne, trying to crush her faith in God. However, watching it again I had second thoughts. Hoffman's character, though eerie and dark in appearance, pointed out much of Jeanne's selfishness, her implicit desire for vengeance. He even prayed for Jeanne when the priests had refused her absolution. Was it really the devil trying to inflict doubt in her and offering her a sense of false comfort? Or was he an genuine angel, trying to reveal to Jeanne the error of her discernment before it was too late? Hoffman's identity is never explicitly identified during the movie, though he is credited as The Conscience. Whether or not he is the devil on your one shoulder or the angel on the other is portrayed just as well (and as ambiguously) as Jeanne's classification as a saint or heretic.



That morning, I had woken up with a strange feeling of fear. Or was it doubt? I was CIFC president, I felt that there were things God was really calling me to do with it. But was it really God's call? Or was it what I thought was God's call? Doubt is an integral part of faith. Discernment is an important thing to understand and respect. It all takes prayer and the ability to really look into your heart honestly. You'll have to pray very truthfully and humbly that God shows His will, that He shows you what is.

And not see what you want to see.

To speak less but mean more

I went to Mass today at my home church and had the pleasure of hearing our pastor (head priest) Father Tracy give the homily (sermon).

Homilies by Father Tracy always stood out to me. Maybe its because he's the the head pastor. Maybe its because he's the oldest among the church staff (I can't really guess how old he is, definitely a lot older than PB that's for sure). Maybe he's more in tune with the Spirit and says something that's always relevant. I'm not really sure. However, there is one image that is still ingrained in my memory:

Last summer, my mom had become a part of the lector ministry at my church and I ended up accompanying her to the early 7:30 AM service. As was necessary, we arrived a little early and to no surprise there weren't a lot of people. But there was Father Tracy, sitting in the front pew. Usually, Father Tracy is up and about, making his rounds around the church, greeting the people who arrived, asking how well they were doing and whatnot. But on this particular morning, he was just sitting there quietly to himself, a slight smile on his face, admiring something. At my home church (and the majority of Catholic churches), there is a crucifix adorning the front of the church and I realized that was what he was looking at, its appearance accentuated by the light of dawn shining in from the top of the church. I could tell that the leader of this church was having his moment with God. As CIFC president, its an image that poses a great example to me.

When I was listening Father Tracy speak today, I couldn't help but compare him to Pastor Bruce. Yes, he and PB share that passion for God and the big heart for ministering to His people, and yet he is almost everything that Pastor Bruce isn't. You see, PB's sermons are...well they're PB's. PB is able to put out such an energy when he speaks at times, undoubtedly the result of his passion and conviction for God, and thus he can make the organized Spirit-guided points he has in his notes ring in your heart as much as his yelling does in your ears. I look at Father Tracy and to be honest, if he were to try and match PB's energy and volume, he'd probably end up hurting himself.

And yet when this tiny old man speaks at the front of this church, what he says can resonate in your heart just as much. His voice doesn't go beyond a certain volume, but he speaks with such a reassuring and loving tone that you'd expect from a grandfather or a mother even, which goes to accentuate his personality as a person who you could never picture with anything other than a smile on his face. The duration of his homilies aren't even half as long as PB's sermons - they're kept simple and short so that you don't really need to take notes. In fact, taking notes would probably hinder you from listening to the message. His presence is just as his speech - plain and simple. He doesn't have any notes in his hands since he already knows all of what he is to say. He doesn't carry the Bible because it has already been read and it now lies on him to not quote it word for word but to tell us what it wants to tell us. He comes plainly as he is - the only time I remember him holding something was when he had picked a flower outside the church to help illustrate Christ as the "living water." I'm pretty sure that he practices what he says ahead of time but I can't help but sense an strong calmness in him that seems to say that "speaking from the heart isn't something you necessarily practice but something you just do."

Of course, I'm not saying PB doesn't do this either, by all means he pours out his heart as much as possible. I guess what I'm highlighting here is something that comes with time. A sort of simplification of life that comes from experiencing Love and God over and over again, y'know? Its a stripping of the unnecessary, until you get down to the stuff that really matters. By all means, yes, there is a time for bringing up the exact wording of this verse or citing this source and whatnot. But I guess one will eventually ask what really matters more? For example, word for word, what this one piece of Scripture says? Or what that Scripture means? This concept is something that applies to everything really, not just God, though God made everything so it all kinda goes back to Him anyway. But its a concept that Father Tracy had learned and is still learning. Its something PB is learning. Its something we're all learning.

To speak less but mean more.

I guess that the best example of this concept is something I hear from people closest to me, something that I would probably say to you, something we have to realize that God says to us everyday:

"I love you."

I'm gonna leave this world for a while..

You know it really amazes me how sometimes a song can catch you because a single line of that song, just a single line, can bear such a multi-faceted meaning to you.


I wasn't intending to post videos and whatnot on here in an attempt to keep this blog as strictly my thoughts on things. But the song kinda sets the tone of what I would've said better than my words alone would have. Again, that one line is the only lyric that really matters to me (since I bet you'll start pondering if you hear the rest of the song).

Oh and the cinematography is just really nice.

Laziness is a sin...

....so that means you should probably be doing work instead of reading this, NANCY!

hahaha.



But if you have time for leisure then by all means enjoy this blog. =)

Post 20th Birthday Thoughts

During the week leading up to my birthday, I thinking about what I would do and learn during my 20s. I came up with a little theoretical model on life.

When you're a kid you say the darndest things. You play pretend. You say I want this or I want to be that without much thought. When you're a kid you learn to dream.

When you're a teenager you pretty much go through trial and error. You take the time to actually think. You'll think about this and then try that. When you're a teenager you learn how to get something done and what needs to get done.

Looking back at what I've lived through I can only make this assumption about not being a teenager anymore and now becoming an adult:
When you're an adult you know what needs to get done and how to get it done. Its now up to you whether or not you have the audacity to make those dreams you had as a kid come true.
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On the morning of my birthday, I shared with my mom my little theory and she said it was pretty much true. We talked a bit and she was just reminded of how I was growing up. She actually started to cry, having thought about the times that she couldn't give me what I wanted at times since we were financially struggling or some other unfortunate circumstances.

I assured her that while she couldn't always give me what I wanted, she always provided what I needed. However, I still felt a little guilty for getting older.
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Also sn the day of my birthday, my grandmother came back from her morning walk. She walked in with a smile on her face and told me about how she was walking and thought about what a beautiful day it was and how she was thanking God for the day. She apparently passed by someone she described as a "big black lady" and instead of saying "hello" she said "Praise the Lord!" To my surprise, my grandmother said that the "big black lady" smiled back and replied:

"I was thinking the exact same thing!"

wow.
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As for my excursion in New York City, I think that productive would probably be the best way to describe. I look at it as somewhat ironic: each birthday I've witnessed usually involves people "surprising" the birthday celebrant but in the case of mine I ended up being the one catching everyone off guard. I didn't really tell anyone that I was coming into the city since it kinda was a last minute decision and I wanted to ease my way back into seeing people (due to personal reasons). I decided to take some personal time in the city first, having gone to Shake Shack and the Met on my own (both of which I had never done before). Some people caught on to my presence in the city but my idea of the diffusion of information didn't work out as I thought it would. I tried my best to see what people I could but I was very surprised by how people still kept themselves so busy in New York City during the summer and still failed to see each other. So, in a way, my time there, though nice, left me somewhat unsatisfied, as if the trip were incomplete. It seems that nowadays that there's a cost for everything you do -- doing one thing ultimately results in sacrificing your oppurtunity for accomplishing something else. I'm trying not to think that way though. I don't know if that's the right thing to do.

Thanks for tuning in,

DP

Shock, Awe, Possibilities, and Abnormally Normal

"If you become so refined that you refine yourself out of the game --the game of life-- then you're doing things that are so esoteric that they don't satisfy anybody else but you."
- John Mayer

Lately, I've been on a voluntary MIA status. No, I'm not burned out, not really. I suppose that after going through a very eventful year and being so busy that you don't really have the chance to comprehend what's really happening to you, the facts of these matters eventually catch up to you when you have a significant period of down time. And wow the past months really gave me my fill. What I find so amazing about this though is that there would have been no way I would've made it through all that hadn't it been for God. And so I find myself somewhat in a state of shock and awe and am taking time off from others to sort through the mess of thoughts that is myself and sophomore year.


I suppose that when you do something like that you tend to realize --or rather recover -- a lot about yourself, especially if you take yourself out of the picture (in my case NYC) and take it all in retrospect. Of course, you'll see the apparent mistakes you've made and you might even laugh at them. But at the same time you'll see the little nuances that raise an eyebrow and have you wondering what in the hell were you thinking. And with each cock of that eyebrow you come to realize just how much you've changed and how by some strange feat you've changed yourself without even noticing.

One interesting aspect about myself this past year was how I came in with such fervor and resolve to really be myself and not really care about what others thought of me. To some extent I really accomplished that: I feel that I'm acknowledged more so as the guy called "Dan" or "Pineda "and not the clown named "Paco." And I suppose I should acknowledge that my self-confidence has increased a little bit.

However, I remember all the goals and driven plans I had at the beginning of the year and I frown at how I never really fueled them. I realize just how much I allowed people to get in the way of that somehow. Now by no means do I frown at the people around me, they've been a great help and encouragement, but rather I frown at my lack of integrity, my lack of resolve to keep going when others didn't really have such a resolve or to some degree called me silly. These weren't put downs by any intent but rather people trying to give me a reality check, however I realize that much of the "reality" they spoke of was doubts in my determination or willingness, beliefs that it'll probably "fall through."

Coming home and being to myself, I have rekindled those goals and plans since my thoughts have a lot more space here in Sicklerville to see the routes to possibility. And with this re-lighting I guess a little rebelliousness grew as well, a willingness and urge to reject the norm. I guess I have to admit I like proving people wrong. However, I came across the above quote when listening to a Rolling Stone podcast and I have to admit that is somewhat true. With a CIFC presidency now in effect, it should come to no surprise that I've been praying for guidance and for my heart to be molded into that of a leader and I think this little quote that God made me come upon was definitely a wake me up. Of course, we're taught to not care about what other people think and to refine ourselves so as to take pride in who we are. However, at the same time, I feel like we have this sense of responsibility to not refine ourselves so much out of this game of life, especially if you are trying to reach people. Be you an artist or politician or anyone wanting to have a significant amount of influence among people you must, in a sense, remain as normal as possible so as people understand and can relate to you. But at the same time you must set yourself apart.

I suppose that's why Obama won the Democratic nomination, having been able to be incredibly radical and yet appeal to the norm, that's why Hilary had somewhat of a comeback earlier on in her campaign after she cried, because her tears showed her at her most human. And probably the most important example, which seems to justify this point, is how Christ came not as an all powerful king (in the worldly sense) but as a commoner, gaining so much greater influence and awe because he made himself as "normal" as possible but at the same time being something so much greater than "normal."

So my challenge now is to keep this sense of rebelliousness of being me but at the same time being mindful so as to relate to people. To be as normal as normal is but at the same time not sacrificing the self. Interesting indeed.

Cheers,

DP

It's either a Mayer improv or a Death Cab tune

Every little thing's gonna be alright.
Every little thing's gonna be alright.
Oh every little thing's gonna be alright.
What can I control?
What can I control?
Nothing. Nothing.
I might as well fall.
I might as well let go.
I might as well fall.
Stop holding on
To every little thing
Every little thing..