socially awkward

I think I just try too hard to be a person that everyone likes.

I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of insults involving "emo" and "awkward."
I hate those labels. I hate them so very much.

I recall I used to be an openly deep thinker. I was easily jokingly labeled "emo" but I took it as an insult since I had shared what was on my mind and heart which at times were coupled with personal issues I had to deal with. I got over them (I think) but the label remained along with the nickname Paco. So I sought to break those. I stopped openly sharing my thoughts instead replacing them with jokes and comments that would elicit a couple laughs blurting out whatever the hell was on my mind, filters off and all. However, this backfired and instead bestowed upon me another label: "awkward." Another insult, to how I have failed to be myself. How I have failed to be a so-called "normal person." Another person to make fun of. Another label to break. Yes, that is my pride talking.

I'd rather be called Paco the rest of my life than to be labeled "emo" and "awkward."



Looking back, maybe that's another reason why small group had reached a point where I just didn't care anymore. Deep thoughts and sharing were disgusting to hear and talk about. Joking around was just empty laughter.

Maybe that's also why my "younger" relationships seem to be doing better than my older ones. They've yet to label me. So I can share without being dubbed "emo" and I can act silly without being dubbed "awkward." Because I don't feel summed up with those two labels.

and now I can't sleep.

dammit.

Maybe realizing all this now will lead to something better.
It could play out a number of ways. I could change and the label will be broken. Or I can accept this is how its got to be and I'll just tell the labelers: Fuck you.

Play it for me John.