socially awkward

I think I just try too hard to be a person that everyone likes.

I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of insults involving "emo" and "awkward."
I hate those labels. I hate them so very much.

I recall I used to be an openly deep thinker. I was easily jokingly labeled "emo" but I took it as an insult since I had shared what was on my mind and heart which at times were coupled with personal issues I had to deal with. I got over them (I think) but the label remained along with the nickname Paco. So I sought to break those. I stopped openly sharing my thoughts instead replacing them with jokes and comments that would elicit a couple laughs blurting out whatever the hell was on my mind, filters off and all. However, this backfired and instead bestowed upon me another label: "awkward." Another insult, to how I have failed to be myself. How I have failed to be a so-called "normal person." Another person to make fun of. Another label to break. Yes, that is my pride talking.

I'd rather be called Paco the rest of my life than to be labeled "emo" and "awkward."



Looking back, maybe that's another reason why small group had reached a point where I just didn't care anymore. Deep thoughts and sharing were disgusting to hear and talk about. Joking around was just empty laughter.

Maybe that's also why my "younger" relationships seem to be doing better than my older ones. They've yet to label me. So I can share without being dubbed "emo" and I can act silly without being dubbed "awkward." Because I don't feel summed up with those two labels.

and now I can't sleep.

dammit.

Maybe realizing all this now will lead to something better.
It could play out a number of ways. I could change and the label will be broken. Or I can accept this is how its got to be and I'll just tell the labelers: Fuck you.

Play it for me John.

just thinking again

Ever wonder if you've been trying to put your whole heart into something only to realize you've only been going at it half-heartedly?

hmm.

I want to fly.

2 sides. 3 blogs. 1 person.

How is this going to work?

Can it?

twitter?

To Twitter or not to Twitter?

I honestly question this new form of communication procrastination.

We shall see.

Edit:

Maybe I shouldn't:

Simple

Sometimes I look at my life these days and amidst the school work, club organizations, job/internships searching, church etc and I kinda wonder when it all got so complex and complicated. No, I'm not saying I have any drama or beef its just that I tend to really miss it when all of it was just really...simple.

Or maybe I just need to realize how simple my life really is.

Hmm.

Old Music For a New Year

Well another year has begun and it seems odd for me to realize that its the year 2009. One of my first thoughts was that this would be about 21 years since 1988 meaning I'll be of "legal" age come this June. So odd. I suppose I have a number of resolutions but they're too vague and too many for me to comment on here.

On a another note, I find myself searching and listening to songs from yesteryears. I was in a very musical mood but my iPod was out of juice so while I charged it I decided to pick up my little sister's iPod. It was interesting finding out where her musical tastes lie (a lot of indie bands I've never really heard of but enjoyed quite much) but it was even more interesting to find what remained of the music I had put on there when I was in high school (believe it or not but we sort of shared this iPod when I was in high school since the demise of my own Creative Zen mp3 player). Listening to these old songs from the late 90s and early 2000s put me in a very nostalgic mood and it set off a massive search of latent memory of songs that I used to enjoy and replay over and over again. This later extended itself to other songs that were "before our time" but still remain classics within the hearts of of the more seasoned generation. Such an interesting way to ring in the new year with tunes of old.

The following are just a sampling of what songs I had once listened to and a few older songs that I had just found along my searches that for me must still pack as much punch as they did when they were first released.

Sugarcult - Memory:

I remember having the acoustic version of this on my old iPod but there was very little difference since it was still done with the full band. Falling under the more "rock out" playlists of my music choice, I have a number of memories air guitaring to this song in my room. Two different music videos exist for the song but this one is probably the most entertaining. I especially like how the guitar solo was animated - a guitar player who can play with his face is one badass motherf***er.
Is it funny how each band member has a hairstyle that I have had in the past? haha.


Rod Stewart - Forever Young

Bringing it back to the 80s and big hair. My parents have a Rod Stewart CD and let's just say its my newest imported CD on my iTunes. Even though there is a somewhat creepy looking kid that I assume is taking the role of Rod's son, the music video actually kinda brought a tear to my almost 21-year old eye. Reminded me of how much and how hard my parents try. I love them. "When you finally fly away, I'll be hoping that I served you well" pretty much takes it for me.

Frank Sinatra - In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning

Surprisingly the lyrics of the song are very few but its done in such a way that its more than enough. That's Sinatra for you. Nuff said.

The Starting Line - Best of Me

Another rock out with your...yea song. The music video for this one takes a spin on an old classic 80s teenage flick. The lead vocal/bass player has apparently gone through a number of hair style changes over the years as well. In this one he has his hair bleached. I remember when bleaching one's hair was the "in" thing to do, be it the whole head or just tips. I was told that if I tried my hair would turn orange.

Fuel - Shimmer

I remember going through a very large Fuel phase in terms of learning songs on guitar. I remember I couldn't get the rhythm down for this song for the life of me. Maybe I'll give it another go before break's over. Sad to hear that the lead vocalist and the drummer dropped out of the band and were replaced recently. Fuel just ain't Fuel I think.

Straylight Run - Existentialism on Prom Night

I felt this was one of my more indie bands that I had to myself. That changed in a very short amount of time haha. I was very much entranced by the lyrics and piano of this one. Straylight Run also happened to be the first band I saw in concert.
They were all incredibly skinny.

Elton John - Someday Out of the Blue

I was debating whether or not to put Can You Feel the Love Tonight or this one but I opted for this one since a lot of us recall the classics which are almost a no brainer - this list I've compiled are the more lesser knowns, I feel. Regardless, this is taken from the move The Road to El Dorado which I very much loved. The same team that composed the music for The Lion King (back when Disney movies were money) attempted to recreate the magic for The Road to El Dorado. They did a very good job however I don't think they quite got recognition.
O and there's an animated Elton in the music video. Cool.



What were some of your favorites?

From the Wall Street Journal

In Hoc Anno Domini
Vermont Royster's annual Christmas message.

This editorial was written in 1949 by the late Vermont Royster and has been published annually since.

When Saul of Tarsus set out on his journey to Damascus the whole of the known world lay in bondage. There was one state, and it was Rome. There was one master for it all, and he was Tiberius Caesar.

Everywhere there was civil order, for the arm of the Roman law was long. Everywhere there was stability, in government and in society, for the centurions saw that it was so.

But everywhere there was something else, too. There was oppression--for those who were not the friends of Tiberius Caesar. There was the tax gatherer to take the grain from the fields and the flax from the spindle to feed the legions or to fill the hungry treasury from which divine Caesar gave largess to the people. There was the impressor to find recruits for the circuses. There were executioners to quiet those whom the Emperor proscribed. What was a man for but to serve Caesar?

There was the persecution of men who dared think differently, who heard strange voices or read strange manuscripts. There was enslavement of men whose tribes came not from Rome, disdain for those who did not have the familiar visage. And most of all, there was everywhere a contempt for human life. What, to the strong, was one man more or less in a crowded world?

Then, of a sudden, there was a light in the world, and a man from Galilee saying, Render unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's and unto God the things that are God's.

And the voice from Galilee, which would defy Caesar, offered a new Kingdom in which each man could walk upright and bow to none but his God. Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me. And he sent this gospel of the Kingdom of Man into the uttermost ends of the earth.

So the light came into the world and the men who lived in darkness were afraid, and they tried to lower a curtain so that man would still believe salvation lay with the leaders.

But it came to pass for a while in divers places that the truth did set man free, although the men of darkness were offended and they tried to put out the light. The voice said, Haste ye. Walk while you have the light, lest darkness come upon you, for he that walketh in darkness knoweth not whither he goeth.

Along the road to Damascus the light shone brightly. But afterward Paul of Tarsus, too, was sore afraid. He feared that other Caesars, other prophets, might one day persuade men that man was nothing save a servant unto them, that men might yield up their birthright from God for pottage and walk no more in freedom.

Then might it come to pass that darkness would settle again over the lands and there would be a burning of books and men would think only of what they should eat and what they should wear, and would give heed only to new Caesars and to false prophets. Then might it come to pass that men would not look upward to see even a winter's star in the East, and once more, there would be no light at all in the darkness.

And so Paul, the apostle of the Son of Man, spoke to his brethren, the Galatians, the words he would have us remember afterward in each of the years of his Lord:

Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ has made us free and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage.

Ouch

Just a few hours ago I decided to go for a run outside. I bundled up with Underarmour and all and went out along the same circle around my neighborhood that I've ran for years. Halfway through I tripped along an uneven part of the sidewalk and fell.

I felt my face grind along the sidewalk concrete as I slid to a halt.

I didn't feel anything immediately but as I got up I saw my blood drip down from my face and dot the sidewalk.

My upper lip is pretty swollen right now and I really hope this doesn't leave a nasty scar on my face. It looks like a chunk is missing...